Why I Think I Would Make An Excellent Vestal Virgin And Fisher King And You Should Consider Me For The Position

Why I Think I Would Make An Excellent Vestal Virgin And Fisher King And You Should Consider Me For The Position

by Isa

<-- Just some girlbosses tending a fire

<-- A medieval Fisher King mosaic

   Hey guys! Welcome to yet another unhinged blog post with Isa. After my Twilight hate train, I’ve had a few lunch-time requests to write something in a similarly feral fashion and seeing as this will be my final post this year, I am indulging. While I'm not sure I can replicate my 1 am-gotta-go-can't-stop mentality at 12:48 pm, I have a few cursed topics in the cracks of my brain I thought I’d use.

    For a certain history project that brutally disrupted my mental state, I studied the Vestal Virgins, a very powerful group of women from ancient Rome who had politics and priests at the time in a saccharine chokehold.  A book I read while collecting info was Brides of Rome: a Novel of the Vestal Virgins by Debra Macleod, which is a very good fictional story following the young priestess Pomponia through a series of events during her 30 years as a priestess. 

Brides of Rome is a sweeping panorama of events set in motion to re-establish power in the years after the death of Julius Caesar. The story is told through the eyes of the vestal Pomponia, as she rises from priestess to the position of Vestalis Maxima, the head of the Vestal order.

The characters are neither good nor bad but merely products of their time. Those expecting a Happily Ever After ending to this story will be in for a disappointment, for as in actual life, there are often times when events do not lend themselves well to happy endings. The thread running through the entire story is that anyone can be manipulated. Everyone in the story, from Pomponia herself to the mighty Octavian, Augustus Caesar, is at one time or another betrayed and maneuvered by others while thinking they’re following their own decisions.

Characters: 9/10

Plot: 9.5/10

Writing: 10/10

    Highly recommended, but that's not why I’m bringing it up. The book is from the perspective of a young girl like myself, and in reading it, I realized that I am a very, very good fit for this position and I urge you, high priest, to consider my application.

 

1. I am willing to sacrifice contact with the general male population, for the good of the people.

2. Drape-y, flowing dresses suit me enormously.

3. I would be amenable to being carried about the city on a magnificent litter, bedecked in fresh flowers and borne on the shoulders of silent, respectful men.

4. I can keep a fire from going out, probably, as long as that’s mostly all I have to do.

5. It pretty much seems like the job mostly involves wearing stretchy fabrics and not talking to guys and I feel like I could bring a lot to the table as a full-time disaster.

6. I also look good with my hair up.

7. I’ve read Anne of Green Gables a bunch of times, which feels relevant somehow, although I’m not exactly sure why.

8. If you need me to do any sort of fancy weaving or whatever I’m sure I could pick that up no problem as long as it’s not knitting.

9. I’m ok with horses if that helps.

10. I’m pretty into magic and stuff like that.

11. Senate or emperor, I don’t really care who I report to as long as I can still get first pick of the grain shipments every March.

12. I would happily wave grandly to peasants as I passed through a silent, awe-struck crowd, happy to give them a thrill.

13. I would have no problem with the low status of 99% of Roman women as long as I got to own property and walk in public without wearing a hat or whatever special stuff we get to do, I would abandon all pretenses in solidarity for like eight nice hair ribbons and a retirement farm.

15. Carthage must be destroyed.

    While originally I was only going to apply to one position, Sue Miller says that you have to apply to a few other jobs if you’re looking for a part-time, just so you have a better chance of getting one. Fortunately, I happened to read a few Tumblr posts on this book and someone mentioned the Fisher King. I had no idea who/what that was, but I was looking for employment, so I figured I would just check it out.

“In Arthurian legend, the Fisher King, also known as the Wounded King or Maimed King, is the last in a long bloodline charged with keeping the Holy Grail. Versions of the original story vary widely, but he is always wounded in the legs or groin and incapable of standing.” (Wikipedia)

    Basically, an overdramatic, spoiled royal who doesn’t like to walk and apparently likes to throw really lavish dinner parties. I could manage that. From what I read in the “article,” he's a sort of enigmatic figure in literature: a rich king wounded by his own spear. Aside from being prone to accidents, there is a chunky and quite sizable list of other reasons I am the ideal pick:

1. Whenever I get sick, I also feel like the world around me should wither and decay out of respect for my discomfort.

2. I have never once suffered in silence and feel strongly that when I experience pain, so should everyone else.

3. Like the Fisher King, I prefer using vague euphemisms rather than referring directly to anyone’s genitals. “Where are you hurt?” “Leg area, in general.”

4. “During the feast, at the beginning of every course, a procession containing a candelabrum, a bleeding lance, and a grail are all brought through the dining hall. Percival watches the objects go by and fails to ask the Fisher King about each procession. After the feast ends, Percival retires to his room, and once awake from slumber, discovers that the castle is in ruin and everyone gone. Over time Percival discovers that the failure to ask about the procession causes the Fisher King’s wound to remain unhealed.” I too feel a deep resentment when someone fails to ask me what’s wrong after I’ve made it abundantly clear I want them to ask me what’s the matter.

5. The idea of just lounging around in a castle demanding everyone watch my weird theatrical dinner parties and then throwing a tantrum and leaving in the middle of the night when my guests fail to ask me “So what do the candelabrum represent?” would really suit my temperament down to the ground.

6. My ideal relationship to the Grail Quest would be “laying around while other people ask me about it.”

7. There is a possible homoerotic interpretation of my narrative, which is unexpectedly cut off halfway.

8. I too contain surprising pagan, anti-Grail undertones.

9. One of my favorite ways to let people know I’m not feeling well is to withdraw and then make them guess.

10. The Disney character I most strongly identify with is the Beast before he learns how not to emotionally attack everyone around him, so.

    I’m not quite sure how to format a resume, but a bullet list I put together on google docs is how I organize most of my life anyway so be nice please. If I had any other interests or talents I think I would apply to be a valkyrie or, like, one of those maids that worked for hot people to make them hotter and do their hair, but being a priestess and/or a whiny King who can’t check her emotions seem like the best fit for now. Enjoy these last few weeks of school, cheers!